Let’s talk about fear. Fear can make people do incredibly crazy things. There are very common fears that can be found all across the human race: fear of the unknown, fear of dying. Then there are the seemingly irrational fears: fear of the number 13, fear of paperclips, a paralyzing fear of the dentist. We all, even the self proclaimed “bravest” among us, have our own fears that we battle with every day.

I have a crippling fear of failure. This has been with me my entire life and I battle it every single day. Now by just about any measurement, I have an amazing life. I have a wonderful man who loves me, a family that has supported my dreams, friends who always have my back, and a bunny rabbit that is too cute to be real. I know all of these things and I am so grateful for the life I have built. At this point I would like to throw it over to my gal pal Ariel: “Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think m collection’s complete? Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl, the girl who has everything?”

Where do I start?

I am not discounting all that I have done or all that I have, but each and every day, without fail, this fear of failure keeps me from doing something that could bring me joy. It stops me from blogging. It stops me from singing. It stops me from working out. It stops me from dieting. It stops me from learning Italian and the piano. It stops me from meeting new people. All because I am petrified that I will be terrible at it.

I have so many ideas for this blog, y’all. SO MANYYYYY. And doing this, having this outlet, makes me so incredibly happy, but you’ll notice I don’t have many posts. This isn’t because I don’t have time. I have the time. I could write a little bit every day. I don’t. I am terrified that what I write will not be good enough, funny enough, impactful enough. That it will fail. I have so much that I want to say and I am terrified to raise my voice because I don’t want to be laughed at. I refuse to fail and that usually means I stop trying.

For those of you that don’t know, I am an actress and singer. I love to do both and it took me a long time to figure out in what capacity I wanted to do those things (that is a whole other story we will talk about later). I decided I didn’t want to do the NYC Broadway juggernaut because I see it suck all of the joy out of so many people. But I still want to sing and act. I have talked about starting a book club/play reading club where I get a bunch of friends together to read plays and books and discuss the art of it all. I haven’t because I was afraid no one would show up. I could record songs and FINALLY learn how to play piano so I could accompany myself on simple things. I haven’t because I don’t want to make a fool of myself.

All of this boils down to the idea that I am petrified of messing up. I am petrified of doing something wrong. I hate being the center of attention, but how do you grow without feedback? How do you progress without trying? I could put in so many Hallmark card type quotes about “missing all the shots we don’t take”, but the trouble is, I am too afraid to step on the court.

My goal is to start to try. I need to start taking chances because I cannot continue a life of no action. I am committing here and now, to do one thing a week that scares me. Just one thing a week at first, but hopefully I can work up to once a day. I will catalogue my progress and hopefully, slowly, I will start to be able to work through my fear. I don’t anticipate “getting over it” because I don’t think a person ever truly eradicates certain things from their core, but we can learn to live with them. Wish me luck.