For my first official entry, I have decided to discuss Satan’s mistress, weight loss. I must apologize in advance for what appears to be a faulty switch in my caps lock key…

Losing weight has been a constant struggle for me and I am, honestly, a little embarrassed that I haven’t gotten right by now. I see so many people around me succeeding at losing weight and, as far as I know, I am doing all of the same things, if not more things, AND NOTHING CHANGES. For a long time this made me extremely bitter and had me feeling incredibly defeated (like Ross every time he gets dumped).

Then, very recently, I decided that I was not going to focus on others and their progress (a daily struggle, my friends), but that I was only going to focus on my journey and getting healthy. Yes, there is the added bonus of being able to be comfortable-ish in a bikini (because, let’s face it, is anyone ever actually comfortable in a bikini?) and not having to hide my bat-wing arms in wedding photos, but this is mainly about making sure my medical bills stay low and my age expectancy is high.

Being healthy, especially EATING healthy, nowadays is like learning a different, pretend language. All of a sudden people are putting kale in everything (WHY) and drinking liquidized meals pretending they are actually filling. I have no idea what half of these crazy health crazes are even supposed to do for me. “Try this new super fruit! It will give you glowing skin, a six pack, and a date with Ryan Gosling!” LIES. (Show me a veggie that would make my student loans disappear and then we can talk.) Half of this trendy stuff is good for you one day and horrible for you the next- half the time I feel like I am living in Annabelle Porter’s brain when she is planning next month’s Bloosh….

I, just like anyone who has purchased something from an infomercial, have succumbed to a couple of these trendy vices. I have tried wraps that are supposed to shrink your fat cells and almost every kind of juice cleanse. I have tried only using agave nectar or stevia for my sweeteners like a friggin hummingbird, I explored (aka was extremely overwhelmed by) fancy salad places like Chop’t and Fresh & Co, I actually learned what quinoa is, and I do indeed own a fitbit (she is lavender, her name is Rapunzel, and I love her).

These saucy minxes are part of an endless stream of things with bad boyfriend tendencies: they are built on hollow promises, take my money, and are gone in a month.

I have finally had enough. So here we are. 24, at least 30 pounds overweight (according to several different BMI calculators…also, does BMI ACTUALLY work? Like really?), and having a constant feeling of inferiority when I look at my physical appearance. I feel like the pumpkin in Cinderella. I may be very involved in the story of the pretty people, I may assist in a huge way (I am a very good cheerleader for others), but I will never be the one in the fancy dress waltzing with Richard Madden (swoon). Today, I am the pumpkin, but I deserve to be Cinderella.

I wanted to try, REALLY try, to do something right. I tried to give up sugar (FAIL). I tried to eat salad every day for lunch and oatmeal every day for breakfast (What was I thinking?!?! I AM NOT A RABBIT!!!). I would start workout routine after workout routine and get discouraged when the scale wouldn’t move. It got to the point where I would feel so defeated that I would give up, eat my way through 5 pints of Ben & Jerry’s and just as many seasons of Parks & Rec.

Then, one day, it hit me. This is going to take forever, but it is also going to take some actual dedication on my part, so I gave myself a goal with a reward that I could not resist: I decided to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon.

Now, my darling reader, we do not know each other that well yet, but you will come to realize that there are few things closer to my heart than Disney. I have just recently been to Disneyland, but I have always, always, ALWAYS wanted to go to Disney World, so it seemed to be the perfect goal. With this in mind I have started a running schedule (ps I hate running. I mean who actually LIKES running? No one. But running will get me to Disney, so call me Forrest Gump). I am slowly building up my strength and attempting to gradually challenge myself so I can ensure that I am fit for a long time, not just for the summer. #beachbody

While I may talk about this healthier mindset a lot, let me tell you something, it blows. Trying to be patient with something that has frustrated me for so long is absolutely INFURIATING. Every morning I wake up and step on the scale. I rarely like what I see because my process is, apparently, what is commonly referred to as a “slow burn”. Some people are able to lose weight and get fit so quickly!! HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT!! ARE YOU DRINKING UNICORN BLOOD?!?! HOOOOWWWWWWWW

Anyway…..clearly I talk the talk, but I am doing my best to walk the walk. I will give you guys updates on my progress as I go through my training and hopefully I will finally accept that my story is different and that is okay.

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work I go…